


I See Nothing but the Candle in the Mirror

by neontearsjpg



Series: so come on, talk it out (your voice, it brought me back from the dead) [2]
Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Character Study, Fluff, Gen, No beta we kayak like Tim, gender thoughts, if i wrote this extremely out of character no i didn’t :), jonny: makes a strong femme, me: it’s free real estate, nb sasha rights babey!!, sasha james is a GAMER and you can FIGHT me on that, the author has never played call of duty, the timsasha could be read as platonic or romantic but i would die for romantic timsasha so, this is just me projecting onto sasha james, tim said nb rights
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-07
Updated: 2020-10-07
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:54:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 585
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26871757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neontearsjpg/pseuds/neontearsjpg
Summary: “Don’t you hate that? All these men online automatically assume that everyone around them is a man.”—-Sasha has some Gender Thoughts
Relationships: Sasha James & Tim Stoker, Sasha James/Tim Stoker
Series: so come on, talk it out (your voice, it brought me back from the dead) [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2082870
Comments: 20
Kudos: 70





	I See Nothing but the Candle in the Mirror

Sasha never used her real name online. 

It wasn’t like she was scared of being doxxed, she could probably fuck over most of the people she interacted with if she really wanted to. It was more about the anonymity it brought. A new profile was a blank slate, a completely blind way to get to know someone. 

She didn’t put on a persona online, she didn’t change her personality. It wasn’t like she needed the friendship that pretending to be cool online provided, she had her circles and she stuck to them. 

If she was being honest with herself, it was about gender. 

She often chose purposefully androgynous or masculine screen names, taking every reference to her using “he” or “they” like a hit of morphine. It was intoxicating, being separate from womanhood. Incredibly freeing, and unfathomably empowering. 

Once, she’d had some of her online circles (the ones she was closer to, who knew her by name and used she/her for her) use they/them for her, to see how it felt. 

It was nice at first, that hit of morphine coming around more often than not, and with it the rope tying her to womanhood was sawed through a little bit more. But as time went on, she realized that as her womanhood was drifting away, so was her femininity. She was becoming _too_ androgynous. She loved not being perceived as a woman, but being a feminine entity was something she prized, she cherished, something that was part of her as much as the braids running down her back. 

So she switched back, and felt her soul find her body again. She discovered that if she let people know that despite using she/her, she wasn’t a woman, she found a space to live in with almost no discomfort. And so, Sasha James went on with her life, despising her womanhood but forever cherishing her femininity. 

—-

Tim noticed it once, when she was playing call of duty and he was next to her on the couch, reading the chat.

“Don’t you hate that? All these men online automatically assume that everyone around them is a man.”  
“In general? Yes, it’s bullshit. When it comes to me, specifically? Not so much.”

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw fidget with his hands, before taking a deep breath and turning towards her. 

“You know, Sash, I could use different pronouns for you, if you want?” He was holding his breath, obviously having no idea what she would say. 

“No, no, I’ve tried that. Too overwhelming for it to be my default. It’s just nice to be a little ambiguous sometimes, you know?” The match ended, and she turned to face him. “Thank you, though, really. This shit can be complicated, and I’m glad to know you’re with me.”

He playfully punched her arm. “Of course I’m with you. Who would I be if I wasn’t?” His tone sobered. “Is there anything you do want me to change about how I refer to you, though?”

She smiled warmly at him. He really was the best. “Not really how you refer to me externally. Mostly just the knowledge that although I present femininely and use she/her, I am not a woman.”

He looked thoughtful for a moment, before his face lit up brighter than the sun. “Like the moon!” There was a mischievous twinkle in his eye that was unfairly adorable.

She laughed then, a loud, joyful thing. “Yes, you dingus. Like the moon.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading :) if you tell me your fav line i will like you a lot !  
> i couldn’t stop thinking about nb sasha so i wrote this shit and posted it in discord and ppl went feral over it so i’m putting it here now  
> if you couldn’t tell i’m projecting incredibly hard onto sasha.... but that’s a me problem  
> comments and kudos are so much appreciated <3


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